Originally created by The ShanMonster in the year 2000, as satire. Though some may consider this crass, it was not meant to be serious, the intent was not to offend, and this should be taken in good humour.
I’ve been looking for a savior–Tori Amos, “Crucify,” from Little Earthquakes
In these dirty streets.
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.
I’ve been raising up my hands,
Drive another nail in!
Got enough guilt to start my own religion.
With the powers of persuasion, induction, and deduction that I’ve developed, I can prove to you that Jesus Christ was as Goth as Peter Murphy. Don’t believe me? Read on:
- Jesus never referred to himself as Goth. Everyone knows the gothest thing someone can do is deny they are a goth (case in point: Andrew Elritch and The Sisters of Mercy).
- He is referred to as Lord Jesus. Even to this day, people call him Lord Jesus, much like other gothlings go by titles such as Lord Ashtoroth, or Lord Wolfbane. It wasn’t so cheesy, in the beginning….
- He was mocked by “normals.” Even the gothest Goth of them all was made fun of by ignorant rednecks and trendies.
- Jesus was obsessed with death. Yes, he lived and breathed it, to to speak. He hung out in tombs with dead guys like Lazarus. He also spent time with lepers.
- Was Jesus secretly a vampire? At his last supper he said, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.” Through Transubstantiation the wine changes into his real blood! And Jesus promises that whoever shall eat his flesh and drink his blood shall have eternal life. In addition, when Jesus was up on the cross, the sun went dark so he wouldn’t get those nasty sunburns vamps are so prone to. He even rose from the tomb and was undead.
- He was often depressed. Think about it. What real Goth hasn’t occasionally been depressed? With all the masochistic stuff he went through, is it any wonder that “Jesus wept?” He was, after all, known as the “man of sorrows.”
- Jesus was a great dresser. C’mon now. He might not have worn black all the time, but just take a close look at all those pictures we see of Christ. He wore long flowing robes, looking positively ethereal in white, or sombre in blood red. He tended to wear a lot of dresses and skirts, yet somehow still look both undeniably male and sexy! Which proved very influential to the Goth scene. And check out the fashion accessories. A crown of thorns or funeral shroud are the epitome of angst-fashion.
The Shroud of Turin
I’ve been searching around the ‘net for funeral shrouds. They all seem to be quite expensive, but none as nice as this. Jesus really set the trend here. We can be nothing but pale imitators of his keen fashion sense. And get this, the patterns on the shroud were somehow done in blood! How goth can you get?
And not only is this item of clothing cool in a stand-alone sort of way, but it’s also extremely controversial. Everyone knows Goths like to be controversial. That’s why their bands get banned in all sorts of cities. Anyway, this shroud is controversial because an awful lot of religious people believe Jesus really wore it, and an awful lot of non-religious people believe it’s a medieval forgery. Even if it is a medieval forgery, it’s still medieval, and the Middle Ages were Goth as can be!
- He went to the coolest clubs and dens of iniquity. Jesus hung out with the real “alternative” crowd of the time. His buddies were tax-collectors, fetishists, and women of ill-repute. He also literally hung around with murderers (check out the cross scene), once again showing his fascination with death.
- Christ surrounded himself with goth chicks. Mary Magdalene and Veronica were two of the first Goth-chicks, but Jesus also has a horde of Gothic groupies. How else would you describe all those nuns/brides of Christ? They wear all black and white, and are heavy into crosses, rosaries, and the contemplation of holy masochism.
- He had the gaunt look down pat. You have to admit, few pictures you’ve ever seen of the guy had him rosy-cheeked and robust. The man was positively scrawny and white. He had cheekbones from Hell, and even his hipbones stuck way out.
- He was big on crucifixes. Crosses are very Goth. Jesus liked them so much that he would occasionally carry a huge one around with him. He was somewhat partial to ankhs too!
- Christ was into body piercing. He only did it a few times, but what a statement he made with his piercings! He had huge-gauge piercings in his hands, feet, and side. To top it all off, he did it all in front of an audience, making him one of the first performance artists. Here’s a picture of his stage-hands helping him set up for his first piercing act.
- Jesus was fascinated with the occult. When Jesus wasn’t hanging around with whores and lepers, he was often out consorting with demons. He liked to find people possessed with evil spirits so that he could order the demons around. Once he even told a bunch of demons to go live in a herd of swine. To top it all off, he even went comparison shopping with Satan once. Here he is dissing the devil.
- He spent time in tombs. Like I mentioned before, he hung out with Lazarus in one once, but there’s much more to it. He once pretended to be dead for three days so that he could sleep in one. How Goth can you get? I’ll bet you never lived in a tomb. Only Christ, vampires, and Poppy Z. Brite characters get to do that.
- Jesus knew how to party. Once he went to this wedding where everyone was a bunch of tight-arses. All they wanted to drink was water, but he fooled them. He went and switched wine (or was it absinthe?) for the water! Voila! Instant party!
- Jesus was into domination and submission. Okay, we all know that he liked to hang out with harlots. That’s been quite established, even by the most zealous of right-wing Christians. But what did the big C do with these lovely ladies of the night? Well, he had them wipe his feet with their hair and tears. And let’s not forget what he did to the money-changers in his Dad’s temple!
- He was into fishnet. Jesus rarely went anywhere without his trusty fishnet. Occasionally, he would get a bit sick of it, and would throw it overboard while boating, but one of his disciples would always give it back to him. Of course, the disciple would clean all the fish out of it first.
Admittedly, Jesus wasn’t always the epitome of gothdom. He had his off days too. Just chalk it up to being human like the rest of us.
- Jesus sometimes wore ugly clothes.Yes, it’s hard to believe, considering his penchant for style, but occasionally he would slip up and look like a tacky religious halo freak. Brr… What’s with the laser-beam heart, anyway?
As you may or may not know, Jesus has been dead for a couple thousand years now. And maybe he wasn’t aware of it, but he stirred up an awful lot of shit just goofing off and performing his daily miracles. The result of all this brouhaha? Christianity! Wow. Maybe in two thousand years you too will have a huge cult following.
Christianity spawned even more children. If it wasn’t for Jesus and his gang of followers, would “Jesus Christ” be a blasphemous phrase to utter loudly? Of course not! How about those Gothic cathedrals that are oh-so-moody? Nuh-uh. They wouldn’t exist either. In fact, we probably wouldn’t even have votive candles! A huge part of gothdom is based on Christendom. Food for thought, hmmm?
In particular, much goth-related music has sprung from Jesus’ lap. There is a lot of this kind of music. As a radio disc jockey, I have occasionally run all-Jesus programmes on the radio. Take a look at these play-list ideas.
Goth Songs About Christ
Yup. You guessed it. Anyone as goth as the big J.C. must have loads of songs written about him. He’s inspired even more than (gasp! Dare I say it???) Andrew Eldritch!!! Here’s a few to mull over. If the song’s not about him, it certainly does mention him…
- Abuse and Confession (Laibach)
- American Jesus (Bad Religion)
- Angels and Devils (Love and Rockets)
- Angst (Front 242)
- Antichrist Superstar (Marilyn Manson): This is the kind of enemy Jesus really loved
- Are You Drinking With Me, Jesus? (Jello Biafra & Mojo Nixon with The Toadliquors)
- Armageddon Days Are Here (Again) (The The)
- Bible Belt (Near Death Experience): What Jesus uses to hold his trousers up
- Blasphemous Rumours (Depeche Mode)
- The Blood (The Cure)
- Bow to the Cross (Deitiphobia)
- The Bride of Christ (Saviour Machine)
- The Call (Dies Domini)
- Calling For Vanished Faces (Current 93)
- Christ Altogether Lovely (Caul)
- Christ and His Pale Queens (Current 93)
- Christian Circus Joe (Sex Gang Children)
- Christianity is Stupid (Negativland)
- Christian Says (Tones on Tail)
- Christian Woman (Type O Negative)
- Christmeister (Numb)
- Christ’s First Howling (Current 93): Was Jesus a werewolf too???
- Closer (Nine Inch Nails)
- Cocaine Jesus (Sister Machine Gun): Not the most goth of drugs, but they didn’t have hypos or clove ciggies back then
- The Cross of Changes (Enigma)
- Crucified Division (:Wumpscut:)
- Crucified West (YelworC): Jesus was a cowboy.
- Crucifixion of Will (Deitiphobia): Will must’ve been one of the criminals crucified with Jesus
- Crucify (Tori Amos)
- Crucify Me (Moev): After the great stage act, everyone wanted to copy Jesus’ performance art
- Curse (Recoil)
- Cyberchrist (Sphere Lazza): Jesus was a net goth!
- Dancing Messiah (Deitiphobia)
- The Days of Swine and Roses (My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult)
- Death of an Angel (Human Drama)
- Death On the Cross (D.H.I.)
- Deep [Christ Analogue remix] (Collide)
- Deity (Ministry)
- Dirge (Masochistic Religion)
- Dirty Epic (Underworld)
- Dog Church (Peace, Love, and Pitbulls)
- Dominic Christ (Suicide)
- Dominus Jesus (Anaphylaxis)
- Down By the Water (PJ Harvey)
- A Drug Against War (KMFDM): “Bomb the living bejeepers right out of those forces!”
- Easter [in the Tombs] (Christian Death)
- Elvis Christ (Deathride 69): Personally, I don’t think Elvis is very goth. This symbiosis is a tacky travesty
- Eulogy (Tool)
- Faith Healer (Recoil)
- Fascist Jock Itch (Skinny Puppy)
- God and Mr. Smith (Love and Rockets)
- Godhead=Deathead (Coil): After all, goths were once called death rockers, right?
- God in Three Persons (The Residents): Jesus is one of the three persons, in case you didn’t know…
- God is a Bullet (Concrete Blond)
- God Is Dead (Numb)
- God Sends (Peter Murphy)
- Godshit (Psychopomps)
- Golgotha (:Wumpscut:): Golgotha’s where Jesus’ tomb was
- Golgotha Tenement Blues (Machines of Loving Grace)
- Gregori Ahnu (Masochistic Religion)
- Half Girl Half Jesus (Morgans)
- Halo (Depeche Mode): Another of Jesus’ many hats
- Halo Flamin’ Lead (Foetus)
- Happy Birthday Pigface Christus (Current 93): Kinda rude, dontcha think?
- Heaven (Psychadelic Furs)
- Heaven on Earth (Human Drama)
- Heaven on Earth (The Mission UK)
- Heresy (Nine Inch Nails)
- Hey Christian God (Snog)
- Hooves (Current 93)
- If There’s a Heaven Above (Love and Rockets)
- In Denial (The Newlydeads)
- The Inmost Light Itself (Current 93)
- Insurance From God (45 Grave)
- Jesu Christe Network (Deitiphobia): Jesus was a netgoth too!
- Jesus Built My Hotrod (Ministry)
- Jesus Carp (Son of Cod) (Evolution Control Committee)
- Jesus Christ (Empirion)
- Jesus Christ Looks Like Me (Type O Negative)
- Jesus Christ Porno Star (Chemlab): I always suspected….
- Jesus Christ Pose (Sound Garden): It’s just not goth to “Vogue” like Madonna
- The Jesus Claw (SuperGod)
- Jesus Flesh (Fektion Fekler)
- Jesus H. Christ (H)
- Jesus Hitler (Carnivore) Strange comparison. Hitler wasn’t very goth.
- Jesus Saves (Cabaret Voltaire): He must shop at Walmart
- Jesus Where’s the Sugar (Christian Death)
- Joy of the Cross (The Revolutionary Army of the Infant Jesus): A Christly S&M song
- Just Like Heaven (The Cure)
- Kingdom Come (The Mission UK)
- Kooler Than Jesus (My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult)
- Let Your Body Die (Cyber-Tec)
- The Lords Prayer (Siouxsie and the Banshees)
- Meaning of Life (Ghosting): 42, of course.
- Melting (The Newlydeads)
- The Messiah (Total Harmonic Distortion)
- Mindphaser (Frontline Assembly): Jesus had days like these….
- The Mourn (Skinny Puppy)
- Muhammed My Friend (Tori Amos): Listen to the lyrics before you jump down my throat
- My Jesus is Real (Deitiphobia): Yours is merely a reasonable hand-drawn facsimile
- My Muse (The New Creatures)
- My Thorny Thorny Crown (The Tear Garden)
- Nativity (The Revolutionary Army of the Infant Jesus): Yet another version of Happy Birthday
- Nervous Xians (My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult)
- New Christ (Fracture): ‘Cause the old one just isn’t good enough….
- November Spawned a Monster (Morrissey)
- Of the Wound (Christian Death)
- The Only Good Christian is Dead (Foetus): This doesn’t seem to fit into the general spirit of things, but the song title couldn’t make sense if there’d been no Jesus
- On Broken Shells of Crystal Dreams (Black Tape For a Blue Girl)
- On the Cross (Frontline Assembly)
- Personal Jesus (Depeche Mode): Yeah, I know the song sucks, but it still fits in here
- Piggy in the Mirror (The Cure)
- Piss Christ (ACME Disco Machines): Ewww!
- Pisschrist (Fear Factory): I’m sensing a trend. Is urine goth, then?
- Polyester Jesus (Slim): Sounds more disco than goth, but then again, an awful lot of velvet is made from polyester now, right?
- Preacher Man (Fields of the Nephilim)
- Psalm 69 (Ministry)
- Razors Through Flesh (Morlocks): When nails just won’t do anymore….
- Reality Asylum (Crass)
- Red Water (Type O Negative): It’s about one of Jesus’ birthday parties gone quite sour
- Resurrection Mary (Ex-Voto): I’m not sure if this refers to his Mom or to his ‘ho….
- Reverence (Jesus and Mary Chain)
- Sacred (Depeche Mode)
- Salvation! Have You Said Your Prayers Today? (The Hood)
- Save Yer Saviour (The Bastard God)
- Saxochistic Messiah (9 Invisible Ninjas of the Apocalypse): I always knew there was something odd with saxophones….
- Second Opinion (Skinny Puppy)
- The Second Coming (Whitehouse): Christian jargon often seems pornographic
- Somebody Up There Likes Me (David Bowie)
- Spirit in the Sky (Bauhaus): Apparently they did a cover of this. I’d love to hear it….
- Static Jesus (Shadow Project): What happens when he rubs his hair on a balloon
- Silicon Jesus (Psykosonik): Imagine, if you will, a Jesus implant
- Silent Night (The Newlydeads): One of Jesus’ dreary Happy Birthday songs
- Snakes of Christ (Danzig)
- Sonic Revolution – Evolve (Masochistic Religion)
- Stigmata (Ministry)
- Stigmata Martyr (Bauhaus)
- Stray Bullet (KMFDM)
- Take A Jesus (Eva O)
- Take it Outside, Godboy (Foetus)
- Taxicab Messiah
- Their Christmas Angel (Cybershadow)
- The Third Antichrist (Christian Death)
- This Monkeys Gone to Heaven (The Pixies)
- (To Live is Christ) Commitment (globalwavesystem): How to verbize Jesus
- Tomorrow, Wendy (Concrete Blonde)
- Touched By the Hand of God (New Order)
- Traitor/Martyr (Cop Shoot Cop)
- Troth Below (Holocaust Theory)
- Unclean (Psychic TV)
- Ungod (Stabbing Westward)
- A Valentine For Jesus (Women of Sodom)
- Welcome to Paradise (Front 242)
- Were You There When They Crucified My Lord? (Diamanda Galas)
Inspirational Band Names
He’s even inspired names of bands! For example:
- And Christ Wept. Poor guy.
- Blood of Christ. This is what vampiric Christians sip on Sundays.
- Blue-Eyed Christ. Hmm. Perhaps this is a touch Aryan, considering how Jesus was Jewish, but who knows what colour eyes a person might have if they were a human/deity hybrid?
- Christ Analogue. An early form of synthethised church organ, I guess….
- Christbait. Either this has something to do with being a fisher of men, or else it’s some sort of analogy to jailbait. I’m not certain. Are you?
- Christian Death. Kinda morbid for a name, but oh!-so-goth….
- Christian Dorge.
- Christian Plumber. Shitty job, but someone’s got to do it? Never mind.
- Christ Agony. Ow.
- Creaming Jesus. Sounds like some sort of kinky dessert, actually.
- Crucifer. Dontcha love it?
- Crucifucks. Kinda like that scene from The Exorcist, I guess….
- Crüxshadows. Didn’t the sun disappear for a while when Jesus was on the cross? If there’s no light, how can there be shadows? Just darkness. Oh well. I’m just rambling.
- Dies Domini, aka The Day of the Lord. The Lord is Jesus, I guess.
- Diesel Christ. The ultra-goth of all long-haul trucks.
- Doubting Thomas. Okay. So it’s not exactly named after Jesus, but Thomas was a skeptical friend of his.
- Godflesh. Yet another reference to transubstantiation and other Christian vampirism.
- Golgotha Betrayal.a
- H. This is the initial of Jesus’ middle name.
- Impaled Nazarene. Ow.
- Jesus and Mary Chain. This sounds vaguely pornographic, but we already know about the disfunctional family by now….
- Kittens For Christian. Isn’t that CUTE???
- The Last Days of Jesus.
- MC 900 Foot Jesus. He’s going straight to heaven.
- Messiah. To the point. I like that.
- Ministry. Someone’s gotta have a preachy band name.
- Nanochrist. He’s just little!
- Nine Inch Nails. This is the gauge needle Christ used for his great piercing acts.
- Nine Invisible Ninjas of the Apocalypse. The Apocalypse is Jesus’ next big gig. It’ll be cool….
- The Revolutionary Army of the Infant Jesus. Uhh…
- Saviour Machine. Cyber Jesus?
- Velvet Acid Christ. This is kinda like a Wal-Mart special, I guess. Can you imagine buying a velvet Christ? Even one on acid?
- X Propagation. The X stands for Christ. Really.
Divine Album Titles
As per everyone’s expectations, a series of goth-like album titles have cropped up.
- Alas the Madonna Does Not Function (Nurse With Wound). Even Jesus had a disfunctional family.
- ..and from this broken cross..our misery (Masochistic Religion).
- Antichrist Superstar (Marilyn Manson).
- Blade Halo (Veer Chasm). Remember the crown of thorns? Well, this is Jesus’ other hat.
- Children of God (The Swans). Jesus was one of ’em, considering the old guy bred like a bunny or something. He must have been old-school Catholic, hmm? His kids were the angels, us, Lucifer, Adam, Lillith, Eve, and… Jesus? Once again, what a disfunctional family!
- Christmeister (Numb).
- Christ the Pale Queens (Current 93). I think this is about Jesus in drag.
- Crucifixtion (Marilyn Manson). Is truth really stranger?
- Golgotha (Controlled Bleeding). I think Golgotha was Jesus’ favourite club.
- Gospel Word (Blackhouse). The language he spoke? Never mind….
- Halo (Prayer Tower). This album is about Christ’s hat, I think.
- Hey Christian God (Snog). This looks like a polite way to open a prayer.
- In Absentia Christi (Monumentum).
- Jesus Built My Hotrod (Ministry). Okay, so it’s actually an ep. Sue me.
- Jesus Christ Proudly Presents (Christian Death). See? I told you he liked goth music.
- Jesus Christ Superstar (Laibach). I’d pay thirty pieces of silver to watch Laibach in this musical.
- Jesus Points the Bone at You? (Christian Death). Okay. This is a little more sexually explicit than we want to get with the Messiah.
- Lacrima Christi (Christian Death). If it wasn’t Latin, it’d sound like an ice-cream flavour.
- Lacrimae Christi (South of No North). Ibid.
- Sex and Drugs and Jesus Christ (Christian Death). By this point we are all aware that Christian Death likes Jesus. I think they win the “Jesus Loves His Goth Children Award.”
- Shadow Jesus (Arts and Decay).
- Tetragrammaton (Pale Rider). This album is dedicated to Jesus’ Dad!
- Twenty First Century Jesus (Messiah).